2018/06/11

To Sleep...

perchance to..... sleep??

Ah yes, another early morning awake. I went to bed relatively early (23:00), but had an odd-ball dream that woke me up. I went to the loo to do my business and back to bed, still tired. But, the ol' brain was in high gear, wondering incessantly about this, that and, naturally, the other thing about that very same dream that woke me... and my brain.

Shazbat! So, I turned on the computer. And, of course, spent a half hour wandering thru FB before coming here. Here was my first intention and yet...

Heck, no wonder I don't sleep or find it hard to stay asleep! I am just SO easily distracted!!
- - - ooooo, squirrel!! - - -

Keep The Faith*

2018/06/08

Remember

That can mean so many different things. Remember my past, where I came from, where I've been, what I have done. Remember why I am here today, the travails I went thru to get here and my gratitude for being here.

Right now, I want to remember the meeting at my HG tonight. And my meeting last night. On both occasions, also remembering the Insanity I spoke of last time, I really didn't want to be at either meeting. I just wanted to stay at home and try to figure out just what the fuck is going on in my life that makes me want to isolate.

Yet, at both meetings... just by being there and talking to my friends, listening to them and hearing what they were doing in life or Recovery... I was happy. Happy to be amongst those I love and care for, and just to BE!

After last night's meeting, I got home and promptly forgot that good and happy feeling I had. Today I was smacked by the foibles that my diabetes tends to toss at me with no apparent reason. Low blood sugars when I haven't done anything physically (or emotionally!) to bring them on. I even got smacked with an insulin reaction just before tonight's HG, after taking far less insulin before supper than usual and... yeah.

It's a conspiracy, I tell ya! A Conspiracy!! Hehe, but no. Anyway, I just wanted to put down here in words that I can read later on just to remind me, to Remember, how good I felt. Heck, still feel!! And that, my friends, is a good remember when!!

Keep The Faith*

2018/06/07

Define

Sanity
Insanity

Do I have either one? Am I either one? Both?

I talk of the multiple hamster wheels in my head. Tonight, today... this MORNING!! I feel like my head is physically rolling around in muck and slime. Tumbling, falling, soaring...

Fucking insane. So fucking insane I feel...... what? Just what is it that I feel? Confusion? Question mark and question marks. So many freaking questions that I don't even know what the fuck they are! Questions about answers that are not known or even there.

Do you see it? Read that previous paragraph again, like I just did. Do you see it?? Read it and tell me wtf I said, or what I mean. Tell ME!! I doubt you can. I can't.

This is the idiotic mumbo-jumbo that is rattling my thoughts. Feelings? I don't know what that is anymore.

Life is good. I KNOW that! I can just look around... well, not around my apartment. Dishes languishing in my sink. Dirt & dust & crinkly grey whiskers on my floor. I did a big laundry load yesterday. Still more to do. I set up my aquarium, ready for me to go out and catch some fishies to put in it. I don't want to do more laundry. I don't want to do those dishes. I don't want to vacuum those crinkly white hairs & dust on the floor.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do this recovery shyte any more. I don't want to do that fucking service, that "giving back" any more. I don't want to do anything. Just stay locked up in my apartment and watch Netflix. Thank the gods that I have a shit load of gigs to use with my Internet service.

Naw, I don't even want to continue typing away here. I just had to get up from bed because my head was going to roll away from me and try to hide from the insanity. I mean... well, shit...

Sanity? 
Insanity?
You decide. I can't. I'm too fucking crazy to even contemplate such a thing.

Keep The Faith*

2018/05/08

Watching

A long ways back, my son warned me of the dangers of the "connected" world. Most specifically of the intrusion of CCTV. To those who might not know what that means, CCTV is "Closed Circuit TV". It is those small, relatively inobtrusive, video cameras that monitor such things as street corners, stop lights, shopping malls or elevators.

I was just a wee bit skeptical of his claims at first. But, after some of ruminating, I thought that he might be correct in his assumptions. And still, I had my doubts. 

Thanks to that wonderful thing called Netflix, I had my first awakening to what may be our greatest downfall as an independent species. I watched a TV series from the UK called "Caught On Camera". The program highlighted the wonderful advantages that CCTV can offer in bringing criminals to justice. Criminals such as people who urinate in public places, those who decide to light up a spliff on a park bench and even folks who get stumbling drunk on the streets. 

Yes, yes, I am making just a little bit of fun about what CCTV could offer. The 3 examples I offered were amply shown throughout the series I watched, along with some very Very effective forms of security related protection this sort of 24 hour surveillance can offer. And yet... I wondered...

I just finished watching a movie on (grazie, Netflix!!) called "The Circle". Other than the enjoyment of seeing actors I have enjoyed over the years, this one film told me that not only was my son correct in his concerns, but that we are truly fucked with regards to any sort of privacy we might think we have in today's society.

The BBC show told me that Britain is watched and constantly monitored 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, if you head out for a night on the town and you decide to pick your nose, someone is watching and laughing at your action.

The movie told me that the technology most probably exists somewhere where anyone or any government agency can (& probably does!) watch almost every move we make in today's world. 

At first, the movie seemed to be a fun romp thru mindless time passing. As it progressed, I got this feeling that what was being portrayed was entirely possible. Even I, a simple and boring example of humanity, am equipped with all sorts of recording devices that can be hidden and/or used in a manner that YOU might never know of.

Voice recorders, video and image cameras, heck, I can capture anyone & everyone as easily as I could simply by looking at them. And I am nothing more than a tech fan. I don't know the half (quarter??) of what goes into the creation or processing of all that data. Imagine what a tech nerd, or a government arm with billions of $$$ at their disposal, can do. Or, as in the movie, a private multi-billion dollar company could do. Facebook, anyone???

Ever since my son shared his concerns over privacy invasion via video, I have been increasingly aware of the utter abundance of closed-circuit television cameras everywhere. I see them in my apartment building, in the variety of stores & malls I visit, on the streets and even in government offices (surprised??!!)

We are being watched! George Orwell may well have been overly optimistic in his 1949 vision of a society constantly and consistently under review by government authorities in his book called "1984". We are now far gone from that particular year, even decades!, but...

If you think by now that I am somewhat paranoid about where we are in today's society, I would strongly suggest you watch "The Circle" (starring, in no particular order, Emma Watson -Harry Potter-, Tom Hanks -well, yeah-, and Bill Paxton -look him up-). If that movie does not make you think, then maybe watch the Jason Bourne series of films. There you can see how the government can control all those itty-bitty video contraptions that litter our landscape.

I hope that I just made your day more enjoyable! If not, then, more suspicious...

Keep The Faith*

2018/04/14

Another Year

... and I'm still here! Somewhat healthy, partially sane, but thrilled and grateful to no end to be clean and in recovery!!

On April 14 of 1992, I came to the spiritual awakening... no, more of a spiritual change... that I couldn't keep on doing what I was doing (using drugs) and hope to live or even survive life. I had a wee bit over three years of clean time a few months before that date, but ignored all that I was taught by my recovery Fellowship and relapsed.

But, ah, yes BUT! On this date in '92, it was my wife, Bernie's, 30th birthday. Or would have been, if she hadn't gone on to the infinite recovery called death. My spiritual change came because I realized that my own recovery depended on me  staying alive, for my kids (the gods bless  all 3!) and for the memory of the woman who showed me this gift called Narcotics Anonymous!
--- and poo on you Tradition thumpers who may wail at my despoiling of Tradition 11!! ---

Today, I celebrate life. Today I celebrate another milestone in my journey in this recovery process. Today, I am 26 years Clean! My eldest daughter, Jenna texted me a few days ago to congratulate me on my Clean-iversary! I found that to be the most exquisite description of such an event. A Clean-iversary!! beautiful...

So, later on this evening, I'll be heading off to a meeting and pick up another black, multiple year keytag to add to my collection. And, next week on April 20, I will celebrate my accomplishment (may the gods be gentle & willing) with my friends who are also a part of this journey of Recovery with me!

Keep The Faith*
(oh, and Happy 56th Birthday, Bernie! You are missed!!)