Holy Shazbat!

Really! I'd rather say Holy F**K!! 

I just got a new blood testing gadget called "FreeStyle Libre". It's a wireless contraption where I attach a sensor to my arm and have a reader that I just need to pass over the sensor to get my blood sugar level. No more poking and squeezing blood. No more carrying around the poker, the test sticks and meter. 

But, holy fuck! This fucking thing is fucking expensive!!! The reader is $60. One time only, or until the fucker breaks down. And the sensors, well, there's the cash cow for the manufacturer. I got 6 of them. With a lifetime of 2 weeks, that adds up to 12 weeks. The cost? $585.00. That is Five HUNDRED and Eighty Five dollars every 12 weeks. Every THREE months. Almost $50 a week.

Right, I know. Our socialized medicine and welfare state covers that entire amount. Not a penny out of my own pocket, even if Canada still used pennies. 

As it is, I feel like I am a burden on society because I can't find a job to suit my various medical cock-ups. Now I am draining a shit load of $$$ out of the system, just for convenience. Is it any more accurate than pricking my finger? There is nothing on the FreeStyle website that indicates such. Just extensive yaddayadda about the convenience of it all. Heck, I don't even need  the reader because I can get an app and use my smart phone. How fucking convenient is that??!!

Oh well, I can beat myself up about it or move to the USofA and die. I'd rather take a few rounds out of me.
Technology. Ain't it a hoot?!

Keep The Faith*

[Edit: I just realized that this will  help. With my Essential Tremors, I usually find it difficult to line up the end of the test stick and that gorgeous drop of red blood on my finger. I wreck at least one strip a day because of that.
60¢ a day, saved right there!!]


Winter. It Sucks!

And it isn't even winter yet!!

I sit comfortably on my bed, my cat (Ricky) curled up at my feet and I think of the many things I need to do around my apartment. I won't list them. I've got it all on my computer. But that in itself doesn't get them done. 

I did a few things today, some not listed because I only discovered them by doing the other stuff. Still, I surprised myself of how... nice? things looked.However small it was.

Perhaps the cynicism and/or disillusionment I spoke of previously has jaded my view of what needs doing. Probably more of a case of motivation. Or even, procrastination.
Yup, that  sounds like an applicable tenet for me! Yet, I know it is really a matter of motivation. It all needs to be done, but when I look at it, I feel quite overwhelmed.

I have a book on cleaning & decluttering in my iPoop here. I can't seem to even find the motivation to open the danged thing up! Well, it isn't going to get read or looked at as long as I continue to tap away on this here screen. So...

Keep The Faith, eh!


Cynical & Disillusioned

I have pulled back from all service. All meaning ALL. The closest I come to any type of service is to simply show up at a meeting. Mind you, I still seem to be opening and closing my Thursday night meeting, but that is mostly because I am first to arrive and last to leave because I don't want to wait outside for my bus, so...

Why have I pulled back? One, because my sponsor made a very strong suggestion to do so and just focus on my own recovery. Two, because he, another member and myself saw/realized that I had become cynical about service and  I was also disillusioned with things that were occurring in my Area.

Cases in point:
> My history with service in my Area seems to make me a "target" for answers. "Ask Robb. He'll know!" I don't want to be the go-to guy. I heard a few times that this is a We program, not an I  one. Thus, I became (am!) cynical about it all.
> I have seen and heard of things happening at groups that have, well... disgusted me. 
- One group banned  a member because of violent behavior. This flies in the face of Tradition 3 and its tenet of having but one requirement for membership. If they had an issue, it would have been a simple matter of contacting the facility or the police. But, to not allow someone into a meeting?
- Another group (& this is a tough one for me to argue) will not allow someone to celebrate clean time if they are on drug replacement therapy (DRT). Yeah, we talk about "substitute one drug for another", but DRT is controlled by a doctor and prescribed by a doctor. I can understand not allowing a member on a DRT to not hold a service position, but if they are working the Steps, have a home group and a sponsor... well, that defines clean time to me.

Blah blah blah. And yadda. The recovery I have been taught and live today works. For me. It is truly unfortunate that I have the viewpoints I do, but they are  mine! I haven't spoken to anyone in my local Fellowship about this, even tho' a couple of members have (once again) elicited my 'opinion' on both of my examples.

Yes, I am cynical. Yes, I am disillusioned. With it all, because of it all. Heck, I don't even share at meetings anymore just to ensure that those two things that currently reside in me do not come spewing forth.

"Opinions are like assholes. We all have them and some of them stink."
Do mine? Perhaps, but I do feel a strong belief in them and a passion. So, I will simply continue my merry way down this path I now tread and try desperately to not commit a homicide in the meantime! 😜

Keep The Faith*

[Edit] I went to two celebrations today. The first was a 35 year celebration. The second was for a 1 year! I haven't done two meetings in a day in like, forever.
They showed me that recovery does  work!
And the fun thing was that they happened at the same groups I mentioned above! Ain't that a treat!!


A Step in the Right Direction

 I am going to get my official Ontario Photo ID within the next 4 to 6 weeks! I will also get my new health card somewhere in that time frame, also. I will now have legal photo ID!! In Ontario, at least!

The absolute amazing part of the whole thing was making the application for both cards. The OHIP (health) card allowed the Certificate of Birth Abroad I have as a valid proof of who I was, am. The Ontario Photo ID rules & regs do not.
Really? I told the fellow behind the counter that if he refuses me the photo ID due to a lack of proof of who I am, he will then issue me a new health card, with a picture of yours truly, based upon the very same documents I was going to use for the photo ID. Really?

I got him to bring a supervisor over to explain to me the reasoning behind this utter stupidity. He did. The super said, "That's our rules." Two different branches of the Ontario government, administered in this one office, are so blinded by bureaucracy as to not see the insanity of the situation, which I stated out loud.

The super looked at me, at the other fellow, and said, "Give him both. He's right."
I'm right? I. Am. Right??!!
Well, hot dang! They took two pictures of me, both of which were exactly the same, because they were going into separate databases and couldn't share. Silly databases! Someone should speak with their parents!

And, blahblahblah, I have leaped (if not bounded!) over the first hurdle in finally proving that I am REAL!! Next in my sights is the federal government and their passport division. Maybe this Ontario photo ID will get them to pop their collective heads out of their asses and give me a passport!

Keep The Faith*


Oldtimers Disease

This is from an old NA WAY, circa 1989(?)

Oldtimers Disease

Time of Onset

At any time during recovery. The disease has been observed in its beginning stages as early as a few months into recovery (when it's sometimes referred to as, 'the ninety-day wonder condition.') It is more common among persons with many years in the program. Some researchers suspect that the longer people are in recovery, the greater the risk of the disease occurring.


Among those who have contracted the disease, certain behaviors and attitudes routinely occur. Since no single one of them necessarily indicates the presence of oldtimer’s disease, but may, instead, point to some related or associated condition, the following list should be used to diagnose oneself rather than other persons.

Principle symptoms include:

- Infrequent attendance at NA meetings.  Excuses: meetings are not the way they used to be, or are even boring, or do not have good recovery because of the presence of so many newcomers.
- When speaking at meetings, reminding those present of the length of one’s time in the program.  Such reminders can be obvious or subtle. They may even be preceded by assurances of gratitude to those who helped one to achieve recovery.
- Refusal to get, or to use a sponsor. This is often explained by the observation that no individual can be found whose recovery is longer than one’s own – which indicates a confusion between quality of recovery and quantity of recovery.
- Complaints (privately expressed) that NA is not as it used to be, or has been watered down, or is in serious danger of becoming ineffective, in part because of all the new people coming in.
- The belief that one is the definitive interpreter of and authority on the Basic Text, the Steps and Traditions, and thus is the savior of NA from it’s less enlightened members.
- Preaching the message (often with the index finger upraised) rather than sharing experience, strength, and hope. This symptom can show itself in a variety of ways. For example, frequently beginning sentences with, “You should” or “You need to” instead of , “I did” or “I am doing."
- Resentment if one is not called upon at a meeting, and resentment against those who have been called upon to speak. Special resentment is reserved for the person chairing the meeting.
- Referring constantly to one's past struggles, defaults and triumphs. Only in the rarest of instances is there any reference to present problems. Behind this lies the belief that, granted one's years of recovery, one ought not to have any current problems. There is, in addition, the fear that admission that one's life is not always wonderful and joyous might damage the effectiveness of NA in the eyes of newcomers.

Cause of Disease

Pride and Fear

Depending on the severity of the individual case, one or more of the following will probably prove effective:
- Frequent meetings. Daily for one to three months, if possible
- Involvement with a strong, insightful, available sponsor, especially one with extensive experience working with newcomers or potential relapsers.
- Re-working the Steps, beginning with Step One, with special emphasis on Steps Three and Eleven
- Listening carefully at meetings. The practice of listening is greatly enhanced by the decision not to speak at meetings, even if called upon, thus freeing one from having to prepare what one wishes to say while others are speaking.
= = = = = = = = = = = =
I have been afflicted by this disease many times in my recovery. The suggested treatment is very effective.
I need to keep reading this to remind myself of where I am in my program, because the alternative...

Keep The Faith*