This new insulin regimen for my diabetes is throwing me for a fucking loop!

I've been having extremely LOW blood sugars. The kind that I know can kill me, especially when they happen whilst I am sleeping. I got an appointment with my endocrinologist for tomorrow. Maybe he can decipher this cock-up.

Thing is, this new insulin has helped to reduce how much insulin I take each day. Both my long acting (the new one) and my rapid.

The ups & downs I expected during my adjustment. It's this low Low LOW blood sugar, commonly called an “insulin reaction”, that has me scared. Terrified, actually! I've seen first hand how deadly an insulin reaction can be. First hand and oh-so very close to home!

Well, I am up for the night, methinks. Too chicken shit to go to sleep. I suppose I could just drive my sugars up high, but that comes with its own long-term cost. Danged if I do and fucked if I don't. Sure glad I don't drink any more! I can just see me... well, no, I would NOT want to see me like *that* again!!

Keep The Faith*


Simple Things

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. He called as part of his regular ritual of talking to folks on a regular basis, on the phone, at least. That is something that do not do, on a regular basis or not.

His call was an absolute highlight of my day! And it's only 10:15 hrs right now, so that says a lot! We jabbered about this, that and, of course, the other thing. We laughed a bunch and that really made today a much more bearable thing than what it was since 06:00 when I got up.

What? Simple things?? I titled this as such because I told him that many of things that I don't want to do or find them tedious or boring, once done, are not as bad as I thought them to be. He said his routine, sometimes, seem to be a bit too much. Yet, his talk with me was such fun and insightful (for me too!!) that it just showed that sometimes the tough things are actually quite simple.

It truly made me think about my own "aversion" to making a phone call, to anyone. I'm happy with emails or an IM (I do NOT  do texts!!!), but this simple phone call I got today reminded me that sometimes when I do something I just do not want to do is a good thing. 

Like a lot that I have learned in recovery, if I am given a suggestion, give it a try. If it works, great! If it doesn't, well, at least I tried. Today's phone call was a great example of that.

Do keep in mind, tho', I am probably not going to be picking up that 3.7 kg phone any time soon, at least not on some sort of regular basis. Sometimes you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Even when you whack him over the head with it! 
🔨 📞 😲

Keep The Faith*


Holy Shazbat!

Really! I'd rather say Holy F**K!! 

I just got a new blood testing gadget called "FreeStyle Libre". It's a wireless contraption where I attach a sensor to my arm and have a reader that I just need to pass over the sensor to get my blood sugar level. No more poking and squeezing blood. No more carrying around the poker, the test sticks and meter. 

But, holy fuck! This fucking thing is fucking expensive!!! The reader is $60. One time only, or until the fucker breaks down. And the sensors, well, there's the cash cow for the manufacturer. I got 6 of them. With a lifetime of 2 weeks, that adds up to 12 weeks. The cost? $585.00. That is Five HUNDRED and Eighty Five dollars every 12 weeks. Every THREE months. Almost $50 a week.

Right, I know. Our socialized medicine and welfare state covers that entire amount. Not a penny out of my own pocket, even if Canada still used pennies. 

As it is, I feel like I am a burden on society because I can't find a job to suit my various medical cock-ups. Now I am draining a shit load of $$$ out of the system, just for convenience. Is it any more accurate than pricking my finger? There is nothing on the FreeStyle website that indicates such. Just extensive yaddayadda about the convenience of it all. Heck, I don't even need  the reader because I can get an app and use my smart phone. How fucking convenient is that??!!

Oh well, I can beat myself up about it or move to the USofA and die. I'd rather take a few rounds out of me.
Technology. Ain't it a hoot?!

Keep The Faith*

[Edit: I just realized that this will  help. With my Essential Tremors, I usually find it difficult to line up the end of the test stick and that gorgeous drop of red blood on my finger. I wreck at least one strip a day because of that.
60¢ a day, saved right there!!]


Winter. It Sucks!

And it isn't even winter yet!!

I sit comfortably on my bed, my cat (Ricky) curled up at my feet and I think of the many things I need to do around my apartment. I won't list them. I've got it all on my computer. But that in itself doesn't get them done. 

I did a few things today, some not listed because I only discovered them by doing the other stuff. Still, I surprised myself of how... nice? things looked.However small it was.

Perhaps the cynicism and/or disillusionment I spoke of previously has jaded my view of what needs doing. Probably more of a case of motivation. Or even, procrastination.
Yup, that  sounds like an applicable tenet for me! Yet, I know it is really a matter of motivation. It all needs to be done, but when I look at it, I feel quite overwhelmed.

I have a book on cleaning & decluttering in my iPoop here. I can't seem to even find the motivation to open the danged thing up! Well, it isn't going to get read or looked at as long as I continue to tap away on this here screen. So...

Keep The Faith, eh!


Cynical & Disillusioned

I have pulled back from all service. All meaning ALL. The closest I come to any type of service is to simply show up at a meeting. Mind you, I still seem to be opening and closing my Thursday night meeting, but that is mostly because I am first to arrive and last to leave because I don't want to wait outside for my bus, so...

Why have I pulled back? One, because my sponsor made a very strong suggestion to do so and just focus on my own recovery. Two, because he, another member and myself saw/realized that I had become cynical about service and  I was also disillusioned with things that were occurring in my Area.

Cases in point:
> My history with service in my Area seems to make me a "target" for answers. "Ask Robb. He'll know!" I don't want to be the go-to guy. I heard a few times that this is a We program, not an I  one. Thus, I became (am!) cynical about it all.
> I have seen and heard of things happening at groups that have, well... disgusted me. 
- One group banned  a member because of violent behavior. This flies in the face of Tradition 3 and its tenet of having but one requirement for membership. If they had an issue, it would have been a simple matter of contacting the facility or the police. But, to not allow someone into a meeting?
- Another group (& this is a tough one for me to argue) will not allow someone to celebrate clean time if they are on drug replacement therapy (DRT). Yeah, we talk about "substitute one drug for another", but DRT is controlled by a doctor and prescribed by a doctor. I can understand not allowing a member on a DRT to not hold a service position, but if they are working the Steps, have a home group and a sponsor... well, that defines clean time to me.

Blah blah blah. And yadda. The recovery I have been taught and live today works. For me. It is truly unfortunate that I have the viewpoints I do, but they are  mine! I haven't spoken to anyone in my local Fellowship about this, even tho' a couple of members have (once again) elicited my 'opinion' on both of my examples.

Yes, I am cynical. Yes, I am disillusioned. With it all, because of it all. Heck, I don't even share at meetings anymore just to ensure that those two things that currently reside in me do not come spewing forth.

"Opinions are like assholes. We all have them and some of them stink."
Do mine? Perhaps, but I do feel a strong belief in them and a passion. So, I will simply continue my merry way down this path I now tread and try desperately to not commit a homicide in the meantime! 😜

Keep The Faith*

[Edit] I went to two celebrations today. The first was a 35 year celebration. The second was for a 1 year! I haven't done two meetings in a day in like, forever.
They showed me that recovery does  work!
And the fun thing was that they happened at the same groups I mentioned above! Ain't that a treat!!