Well, it is back. I am ready to scream ARGH and much Much more... out my balcony door, down the street I live on, at the local mall, at the next meeting I go to, in the face of the very next person who simply says "Hi!" to me. I am absolutely ready to say FUCK YOU world and get the fuck off my case!
I can't take any of this bullshit any more. I am tired of trying to do the right thing anymore. Not the next right thing, but the right fucking thing right fucking now. Follow the rules. Do what is legal. Don't rock the boat, son, because if you do, your ass is going to screwed so bad you will not be able to sit comfortably for the next year.
And, no matter which fucking way I turn, no matter how hard I try to make life simple, life jumps up and slaps me in the face with total glee and abandon. Here, you smarmy SOB Robb, here's another thing to fuck your life around royally. And... and I take it.
My ass hurts from the fuck around. My head hurts from the hamster wheels going round and round. My soul is aching and wants to just stop it all. My addiction is poised & ready to take over once more and lead me into blissful nothingness.
That is oh-so very tempting right now. Even knowing very full and well what picking up would do... create... destroy... That thought of just forgetting everything and everyone outside of my apartment (hell, even the 4 sunfish & 1 tadpole in my aquarium, in that same apartment) is almost overwhelming right now.
I guess that I am kinda sorta maybe fortunate to have no money on me right now. It would be very easy to wander the halls and find something to forget with. Tomorrow...??? Well, I've spent most of my disability cheque trying to repair months of financial damage I've done recently............. FUCK!
Surrender?? No, right now, I give up. I'm done. Finished. I can't do any more and I am completely wasted from trying. I am tired, and I can not sleep. Fucking Netflix just throws hints and reminders of that, the other thing and this to remind me of what I do NOT want to think about any more.
So. What is the fucking use of all this? I just don't know. I have my kids who love & care for me... and I don't give a fuck. I am clean (JFT), and I don't give a fuck. I have...... what? I have WHAT??? Sanity is NOT something I have right now. Serenity?? Give me a fucking break.
I suppose the one thing I have in my favor right now is that I don't want a vacation. Of the permanent type. It is close, very close, but I've seen too many folks take a permanent vacation and also seen how badly that affects others who are left behind. And, as self-centered and egotistical as I am right fucking now... for some idiotic and strange reason, I somehow how care how others feel.
Even tho', right at this moment, I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!!!
Pish. I'm an addict. I'm a fuck-up. I just don't give a shit, so............
Keep The Faith............... because I have none for me..........