Do I have either one? Am I either one? Both?
I talk of the multiple hamster wheels in my head. Tonight, today... this MORNING!! I feel like my head is physically rolling around in muck and slime. Tumbling, falling, soaring...
Fucking insane. So fucking insane I feel...... what? Just what is it that I feel? Confusion? Question mark and question marks. So many freaking questions that I don't even know what the fuck they are! Questions about answers that are not known or even there.
Do you see it? Read that previous paragraph again, like I just did. Do you see it?? Read it and tell me wtf I said, or what I mean. Tell ME!! I doubt you can. I can't.
This is the idiotic mumbo-jumbo that is rattling my thoughts. Feelings? I don't know what that is anymore.
Life is good. I KNOW that! I can just look around... well, not around my apartment. Dishes languishing in my sink. Dirt & dust & crinkly grey whiskers on my floor. I did a big laundry load yesterday. Still more to do. I set up my aquarium, ready for me to go out and catch some fishies to put in it. I don't want to do more laundry. I don't want to do those dishes. I don't want to vacuum those crinkly white hairs & dust on the floor.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do this recovery shyte any more. I don't want to do that fucking service, that "giving back" any more. I don't want to do anything. Just stay locked up in my apartment and watch Netflix. Thank the gods that I have a shit load of gigs to use with my Internet service.
Naw, I don't even want to continue typing away here. I just had to get up from bed because my head was going to roll away from me and try to hide from the insanity. I mean... well, shit...
You decide. I can't. I'm too fucking crazy to even contemplate such a thing.
Keep The Faith*