2019/05/10

Stay Strong, Robb

After tonight, that is really something I need to remember.

I'm trying to keep in mind an oft-repeated phrase. "Let what you see here, who you saw here, what you heard here... Stay Here!" -- and, of course, almost everyone goes "Hear! Hear!" only to go out in the parking lot to jibber jabber about what they saw, who they saw and what they heard. but, I digress --

I chaired my HG tonight. Something happened that could have turned into a real shit show. I did my best to keep things focused in a recovery based mood, but it was hard for me. I wanted to do what was right, what was caring and understanding whilst keeping the meeting on track.

I think I did OK. I kept as calm and caring as I could, without doing what I felt like doing. Yelling, "STFU and Listen!" I actually feel somewhat... what? traumatized?? Rattled, for sure. Heck, just looking at what I have typed so far and seeing all the typos I've produced, yeah, I'm rattled.

I think I did OK? No, I did what was right for the moment. Whatever may occur afterwards is out of my purview, my control. But, I mean, Fuck!!

And as a saddening side note, I found out just how powerful, how insidious, how devastating this disease of mine is and can be. We lost another member to this fucking disease. Someone who had decades (yes, decades!!) of clean time. Which only goes to show me that I need to be ever vigilant in my recovery, because Clean Time does NOT equal recovery!!!

And the beat goes on... so, I gotta Stay Strong.

Keep The Faith*

Last Night

Last night. Yes, well. Last night. 

I went to my Thursday meeting. A small meeting, as per usual. Eight folks there. Two first time members at this meeting and the rest regulars. Wonderful sharing, as it usually is.

One fellow, a new attendee, I spoke to after the meeting was done. We talked about recovery. I gave him my 'recovery' biz card and told him that there was no need, absolutely NO need, to give me a call. The number is there in case of whatever. I also said that my email addy was on it, just in case that might be easier, and my website which has some recovery shit on it.

Blah blah. As we talked, I mentioned that I no longer do actual written shit no more, pen & paper stuff, because of my tremors. He said that he knows that. It appears that this lad has the very exact same tremors as I do. Essential tremors. It was like, for me, a holy fuck moment!

Here is someone I don't know from shit who tells me he has the same issue I have! Recovery? Yeah, like, fuck yeah! With all that I go thru in my life, all the things I share at a meeting, even with something that has absolutely nada to do with addiction, I find someone who is dealing with the same crap I do on a daily basis!

Another member of this group came up and I told the new fellow how going to meetings and talking with others can show our similarities. Because the other member, thru our sharing with each other, I discovered we shared things totally outside of recovery. He & I have the same birth date. December 30. He & I both have Type 1 diabetes. And, yes, we both face addiction.

My Fellowship talks about our similarities and not our differences. The member I took aside is easily 30 years younger than me, but... BUT, we are the same in oh-so many ways. 

THAT, all by itself, is why I -to use a phrase- Keep Coming Back! I never know when or where or what I might find that can help remind me of who I am and why I am here. Beautiful!

And to a second point I wanted to make here, I have just started watching a show on Netflix. Surprise!! It is called "After Life" starring Ricky Gervais. I love Gervais for his acting skills and his ability to take life by the horns.

Yeah, well. The show is a series about a bloke who lost his wife to breast cancer and his cynical look on what his life has become from that loss. I can identify with but one thing in this show, losing a wife, a partner. The rest... feeling suicidal, ripping viciously into others for whatever, and being just an absolute dick... well, yeah, I can be, and sometimes am, a dick. Thing is, I can understand his mind set. Right, and the last episode I watched, he started into smoking heroin. So...
He had twenty years with his wife. I had but eleven. It is the cynical outlook on what life can offer up that I can identify with. Even now, with the recovery I have found, the clean time I have... there are definitely times when cynicism can raise its... tee-he, cynical! head in my life. Which may be why I am drawn to this show, if only to see how this, errr, dickhead deals with it all.

sigh, and there is so much more I got from tonight's meeting that... well, I can go on & on & on & on &... you get the idea.

Suffice to say that I grateful for my small Thursday meeting, my huge Friday night home group, and that I am a part of this wonderful journey called Recovery. I must now depart since I see that both my hands have blood on them since I was having fun with my kitty Ricky and he can be just a touch viscous when playing. Kitty nails and teeth are sharp!

Keep The Faith*

2019/05/05

WOW

This could possibly be named "WTF??"

My area had their monthly meeting today. Their was great yadda-yadda and blahblahblah discussion over a group whose name is "Baby Blue". - - For more etc etc on that, Google it - -

To avoid more heartache than I wish to revisit, I decided to research other info I was offered about this, that and definitely the other thing. omg. What an absolute fucking mistake that was!

My intent, mainly, was to see if the WSC of my fellowship has / had / ever removed previously "approved" literature as being 'approved'. As an extreme example, our BT version 5 be voted as "unapproved literature" now that we have version 6. (I say 'extreme' because if such an example was even suggested, I {as in me, personally} would start a war that my fellowship has never seen before. But, that is who I am...)

In my infinite wisdom on all things "service", I began to download conference agendas and reports and summaries dating back to 1996. I would have gone for earlier, but our WB hasn't / didn't / won't provided them. And there I was struck with a horrendous omFg moment. No, it was actually a series of those moments.

I'm not going to get into the fellowship I am a part of. I'm not going to talk about the WB that... what? oversees?? the operations. I'm not... yeah, well, mainly because right now I wanna say - - - Fuck the living FUCK about & over & anything to do with the WB!!! - - -

I won't get into the minutia of why I am into this tirade. In its most simplest form, during my research (and far too much reading!) I realized the power that our ... my? ... WB has. The last conference (2018) had 59 motions on the table. Of that total, 34 were made / created by that very same WB. Over half. 57%+. 

The intent (to my understanding) of a WB and its biannual meetings is to give my fellowship a voice in what the fuck goes down. But, and I didn't get into greater detail, BUT, at that last WB get-the fuck-together, NONE of those 34 motions (57%+) were EVER brought forward to the greater fellowship I (supposedly) am a member of. And all, as in every fucking one of those 34 motions!!, were passed. Every one of them!

As much as I might frown over WB tactics, I scream bloody murder at those delegates who voted "yea" on all of those motions without bringing them back to our... "their"?? ... fellowship. Sure, yeah, many of those motions were procedural or simple house-keeping motions. Thus, I won't regurgitate the ones that made me......... 

Even tho' I have been taught that MY recovery and the addict I might just help comes first, I am dismayed, disappointed, -FUCK!! - horrified at what can and DOES happen at the WSC... let alone the WSB.

Gee whillickers. Now ain't that a gosh-darn conundrum! One of the few issues that made me re-think my participation in recovery all those years ago has regurgitated itself once more. Thank the stars that I have a sponsor and meetings and other members to spew this crap at.


Because, otherwise,..
I. Would. Be. Dead.

Keep The Faith*

2019/04/20

Celebrate!

Indeed, Celebrate!

Last night, I celebrated 27 freaking years of clean time at my home group along with another member who was at her 1 year mark. We had an excellent speaker who shared his past and his present in an excellent mix of Experience, Strength and Hope. Along with many newcomers and long-timers, it was a great way to Celebrate Recovery with everyone!

I guess I was (am!) over-stimulated from it all. I mean, heck, it 04:30 right now. The melatonin I took a couple of hours back hasn't done nada. I thought about dimenhydrinate (Gravol, to you purists), but I didn't want to be phased out in the morning. Ha! As if I'm not going to be that way, anyhow, staying up all night!

Well, I suppose it is best to say that another year has come and gone. Life continues its inexorable path. Ups and downs and sometimes a few sideways thrown in there for good measure.

Still, one thing I do know is that -Just For Today- I am cleanNOTsober!! And for that fact alone, I am grateful!!

Keep The Faith*

2019/03/29

Principles before Personalities

What did I say in my last entry? Something about not being here for a while? Yeah...

Again, Home Group (HG) tonight. I had received a phone call from a friend, a member, earlier today. He left a rather cryptic message about group conscience. No idea what he was talking about. He said he was going to work late tonight, but would see me at the meeting.

Well, tonight was our Group Conscience meeting (business meeting, fyi). An issue was brought up about an incidence at the last week's meeting. It dealt with the fellow who called me today. The issue was handled pas des problèmes.

However, my friend was a no show by the time our break was ending. I decided to head home and give my friend a call to make sure all was OK, or as OK as OK can be. I told a few members of my HG where I was going and why.

I spoke with him after I got home and learned what had happened last week after  the meeting. It appears that one long time member of our group went on a bit of a "tirade" with my friend and another member. And a second member, a long-timer also, told my friend that he had "fucked up". 

I've known both these folks for a very long time and respect their recoveries. However, after what I heard had happened I was upset, to say the least. To act in such a way with a relative newcomer was inexcusable. I've walked away from an HG because of such an occurrence.

The difference this time around is 1) I've changed in my recovery and 2) I wasn't there and did not see or hear what went down in the two cases I listed. I told my friend that it was a non-issue, imho, and to not fret overly much about what had happened.

I honestly thought that maybe it was time to find a new HG. But, sanity prevailed. I realized that both those members, even with their clean times and recoveries therein, might just have been having a bad day. They reacted instead of simply responding. Far too many times in my dark & mysterious life in recovery, I let one person push me away from that which is my life saver. By doing so, forgetting all the other people who I have come to rely on to help show me that better way of life.

Those two members who so shabbily treated another member will still be a part of my own recovery. As long as they and I keep coming back, we will be there. I can't let the actions of a few sway me from my own path because it would mean that I  would suffer. And I don't need that sort of shit in my life.

Keep The Faith*